The Girl Inside My Head

The Girl Inside My Head

The girl inside my head is thrashing around. Anger for the first time in my life which is thick – and – fucking tired. 
The air is salty from the calm waters that stick out in my view. Bodies around me l glisten with sweat and tanning oil as i take a hit from the spliff that is passed to me. “I wish I could take off my top”. Just do it! I yell “I’m doing the same thing” i giggle pulling down my bathing suit top to show the pods of fat upon my chest that are growing into breasts. “Ya..” … “But it’s different for you.” 

The air becomes sweltering as the girl inside of my head thrashes around, screaming loudly as I breathe deeply. I run to the water and dive below into the cold caress of her embrace as I hold my head underneath counting until I feel sane again. One Mississippi two Mississippi three Mississippi four…
The girl inside of my head thrashes around as I am told I am not real

The girl inside of my head trashes around as I am told that my body is unwanted, undesirable, unfuckable.

The girl inside of my head thrashes around as the girl across the club mouths to her friend “that’s a dude…” And I shutter as I feel his gripped hand slip from my ass as he pulls away and looks at me like he wants to kill me. 

He doesn’t kill me. I’m lucky tonight.

He shakes his head and walks away. the girl inside of my head continues to thrash around as the blue lights on the dance floor of aurora illuminate me and make my tiny breasts look puny.

But you see there is nothing wrong with my body. No, when the goddess created me she got EVERYTHING right. My love for myself is an act of a defiance in a world that aims to destroy me.. To belittle me.. To squash my existence.

I will not yield. I’m tired – but I will not yield. My transness is the very essence of who I am. It’s my truth. 

The girl inside my head is thrashing around and she will continue to thrash until the last bit of truth leaves my mouth for the bodies and mouths who were silenced too early on. 

Because you see this is for leelah acorn and Islan nettles and every single trans girl killed directly or indirectly by a culture that tells us we are wrong. I am beautiful. You are beautiful. They were beautiful too.